Michael Fumento

Okay, this time they've gone too far!

Now, says the Washington Post, environmentalists are trying to wipe out plush toilet paper!

They say that's because plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made from older trees - though not what's defined as "old growth" by any means. And older trees, they say, are better for absorbing carbon dioxide and thereby slowing global warming.

(Have you noticed that there's nothing that can't be tied into global warming?)

They want us Americans to wipe with the same stuff Europeans use, made from recycled paper goods.

Well, I've been to Europe a lot and while I'm no xenophobe I must say their toilet paper is just one grade above sandpaper. No, ifs, ands, or butts about it.

They'll get my soft toilet paper when they pry it from my cold dead hands!

(Though I really don't want to be found dead sitting on "the throne" . . . )